"Go as far as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther." ~ Thomas Carlyle
Mush: what you might have to eat if your mum couldn’t cook, or your family was too poor to buy real food; a sticky gooey grainy lumpy clump of clay-coloured gruel in the bottom of a plastic bowl.
Okay, so it’s cornmeal, but I didn’t know that. Luckily, I had not had to eat it. I am sure I would have refused.
All I knew is that it squeaked when you bit into it like it was hurting or even teasing. It was not dead.
Imagine how much better I felt about them when I learned that they were a fungus! Yay! Genetic studies have shown that fungi are more closely related to animals, but they are neither fauna nor flora.They are aliens! Do vegetarians know this?
Mush: an order barked by whip-wielding, face-hidden men taking joy rides on the rungs of a sleigh at the pleasure of poor, harnessed, enslaved beasts. (Learning that the dogs often enjoy the work has not improved
my perspective on the word.)
Mush: the sexy stuff on TV that I wasn’t allowed to watch. It mushed have been bad for me.
Just think of the rhymes. Flush (ick). Brush (get that thing away from me!) Gush (ick). Lush. Rush. Hush.
And where are they rumoured to grow best? You got it. Mega-Ick!
I mean, really. Is it actually normal to like mushrooms? Who is the normal one here? It’s not like they’re sweet, or juicy, or even crunchy. They are rubbery. They taste like – well – again: where do they grow?
It’s a joke you know. They are actually all supposed to be poisonous. “Humans are a gas,” Mother Nature chortled to the sun. “They want everything they think they can’t have. Watch this,” she croaked as she waved her magic wand on a species or two and leaning on a fluffy cloud doubled over in glee as the first humans choked them down and pounded their hairy chests.
One lucky Neanderthal danced around and grunted the first ever rock ballad! He was immediately promoted to medicine man. Another got all mushy and became the mother of all politicians.
I’m surprised you don’t hear more about mushrooms being used as murder weapons. You would think it would be so easy. Bring him home, cook him a fancy meal – he’ll rave about the exotic mushrooms – and then. Poof! He’s a gonner.
Mushrooms.You can’t pick them until you’ve been certified by a trained professional who will show you a confusing array of signs to distinguish between the edible and poisonous ones and then smuggly walk away
knowing that you won’t be any competition for his harvest.
Mushrooms are sneaky. They hide underground for thousands of years spreading out hundreds of miles before they sense their prey above and suddenly spring up in the dark with the stealth of a lynx and begin to
chow down on their victim. Luckily, it’s already dead.
Mushrooms are good for you. They contain no fats or cholesterol and little calories, carbohydrates or sodium. Sound tasty? Not.
So mushrooms do have their good qualities. There are things you can do with them.
Just don’t make me eat them.